Archive for the ‘Texas’ Category

A few months ago I was about to graduate college. I was about to have a degree that I loved, but no earthly idea what to do with it. So, I waited. I prayed. I trusted.

I didn’t do this things unfailing. Often, I’d get antsy and take control. I’d forget to pray and worry instead. And I’d anxiously agonize and doubt. But, the idea, the constant replay in my life was the same. Wait, pray, trust.

But a month or so from graduating, my roommate made a hard, brave decision to move back home, which derailed my plans. I needed a job, roommate, or place to live. So, I waited. I prayed. I trusted.

I didn’t do these things well. I oftened whined. Too often I took to unfaithfulness. I tried to micromanage. All of these things fell away, though, I continued to wait, pray, and trust, and my prayers were answered. Though, not at all like I expected.

So, then I moved home. I needed a job. I waited. I prayed. And I trusted.

I’m getting better at this. I still falter.

And now? Life is shifting. I feel it. I’m terrified of the things before me, and yet, three words continue in my head.



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Hope on a Sleepless Night

Often, when I’m laying in bed on a sleepless night, I can recall with perfect memory what those first few nights after my grandma died felt like. I rememeber lying in bed with my eyes opened wided and trying to squeeze them shut hard and feeling nothing at all. But, not the kind of nothing that a blank page might feel, no that holds too much creative, birthing possibility. It’s the kind of nothing that an empty room feels after a fight. It’s the kind of nothing hands feel after something has been snatched from them. It’s the kind of nothing that is anything but. It’s heavy like Texas summer air and it’s nothingness is what makes it so full. My eyes would lose focus while staring at my wall, ceiling, window, door. There was a certain dread, expectancy. My heart would skip a beat everytime I’d pass her name scrolling through my phone book. It was like life went on, but I had ear muffs and walked half as fast as everyone else. Everything was muffled. Slowed.

The last days at the hospital, the wake, the funeral, those weren’t the bad days. Something like sheer nerve that only comes out when you have nothing else in you got me through those days. Hell, I even laughed, a crude Jones woman trademark…to laugh when all else fails. It was the days that followed, as I came back to college, walked the same path I had walked for a year and a half from my dorm to class, to the student center, to the library, those were the moments that felt impossible. The hugs, the words of comfort, the somber smiles that greeted me on those treks seemed to fall beside me, and then, in my sleepless nights weigh against me. I seemed to always feel either pressing at the edge of my skin or suffocating, and usually both.

Of course all of that was just a silent prelude to when I would learn to speak again. That was terrifying, but when I said it out loud…that was something else entirely. I remember sitting in one of my best friends car. Driving down 119th street until it ended as I would continue to do many, many times. I looked straight ahead and came out with my confession, the words I had been thinking of for days.

“I don’t think I’m a Christian anymore.”

My friend just waited, knowing there was more to it than just that. I continued on, explaining that I hadn’t stopped believing in God, but being a Christian was more than that. I had been a Christian since I was five, and just now in these weeks of losing my grandma did I suddenly find something missing. I just simply figured there must be more, I, however, didn’t have it. And I didn’t feel strong enough to find it.

No earth shattering revelation was made to me in that moment. I simply said something out loud and was met with a sort of deep understanding that there was something very wrong, but neither of us could really place it. In face, from there, I had no way of knowing how much longer that journey would last. How many more times I would find myself in the throes of confessions that were really just saying, something is very wrong and I feel too weak to stand up? How many times would I find myself crying and curled up in my bed with only the bunny my grandma gave me and the blanket my grammie made me for comfort? How many more times would I walk into church smiling and leave red hot angry and want to give up again? Countless. In fact, I still do sometimes. But, I’ve found that thing that was missing, the thing that comes out after sheer nerve is gone and keeps you still going.

So many brilliant minds have put it so many ways. Shane Koyczan said, “I’ve been through enought wretchedness to know some flowers still grow through the garabage.”

My friend, Eric, says, “In a world that promises rocks and dust, live like diamonds exsist.”

Mary Oliver paints it as a red bird who comes even in the winter, firing up the landscape.

The rest of us, just call it hope.

And as I find myself in this strange new place, where I sometimes have a good attitude, but often don’t, I cling to it. I choose not to just see myself as a 22 year old jobless college graduate living at home, but an obedient daughter of God who is gripping on to God’s goodness tightly as I sit waiting.

And when I can’t sleep at night and my mind wanders back to that time and I think, Oh God, I can’t live through that heartache again. Or as I curl up in a ball thinking of how my blanket and bunny are packed in storage still and so many relationships I’m in feel so broken, I hope. Because if anything, I’ve been through wretchedness. I’ve been in darkness. My heart’s been shattered. My soul has been shaken. I have fallen completely apart. But, great, beautiful flowers now grow in the cracks of myself that once seemed lost forever to me.

And that, dear ones, is the simple, deep, beautiful truth of hope.


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As the weather here in Texas changes from “so hot I contemplate peeling my skin off” to “thank God for AC,” I too change from “if I don’t interact with the world, it can’t possibly keep spinning” to “oh, hello, world, you still there?” And it’s all in good stride because sometimes we all need to shut off the world for a few days (erm, 2 weeks).

But, as I open my eyes and stretch my limbs, I find something unexpected. A cocoon, of sorts, which allows me to keep on growing, processing, but maybe in a better way. Because no matter how good and delicious Burn Notice is, it isn’t really doing anything in the way of this crazy journey I’m on. Except, I do know that a cell phone plugged into a USB outlet on a computer makes for a perfect bug.

And so here I am. In the one city I had so vehemently sworn off with a new humility that God is indeed the point, not my affinity for a city (among other things I’d like to think are more important). And this place I am in feels nearly indescrible to everyone else, except for these few who just know without me saying. And who somehow hear, “I just got to process all this fear and heal and rest a little, so I can do that thing I need to do,” when I say, “Oh, you know. I’ll get to save money. Spend time with my family. Figure out what to do.”

And the thing that woke me up today, that made me literally stop dead in my tracks, take a deep breath, and look a little crazy by speaking out loud to seemingly nothing was God. I just stopped and said, “Ok, let’s have this conversation, I’ve been putting off.” And so we did, and I cried a little, but it was a good cry that you have with God and when it’s over you take a deep breath and think, “So this is it. This is what has to happen.” And then you just trust with your whole being and when you can’t trust anymore, you trust that God will fill in the rest.

So, that being said, I’m back. But, I’m dancing a little slower, listening a little harder, and trying to write a lot more.

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Things I am learning from this crazy move.

1. Wallowing isn’t even fun after about 12 hours. Probably sooner, really.
2. God is still sojourning with me through all this. He is going out before me. And anywhere He is, there is light. So, I just have to keep my eyes open, and I’m in light.
3. Every place has treasures. Some places just also have concrete mountains instead of real ones.
4. Isolation does not become me.
5. Rest is hard.
6. I am whiney and self-involved. Much more than I thought.
7. We’re all trying to figure the same things out.

I wish I had more to write, but honestly, I’m trying to just listen right now. I’m not doing very well at it at all. But, I’m trying.

What more can you do?

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A long goodbye.

I feel the sort of slow heavy from not getting enough sleep for 10 consecutive days. Where you start to get weepy and are liable to cry over anything really, and even though you reassure yourself that you are simply dead exhausted, nothing really changes the fact that you’re now crying just so you can squeeze your eyes shut.

And I don’t mean that in any sort of dramatic way. I have a flair for the dramatic, I am well aware, but I mean it in a simple way. In the way that your skin begans to crack in the winter because it’s dry and in the way your heart does the same after wear and tear. I am just full and empty.

I have found myself amidst an unexpected journey. I suddenly find myself desiring to find, once again, the tenderness that has been heaped on with pain and bitterness. I did not realize it would be so hard to unearth. I did not realize it would actually happen either. It’s funny, isn’t it, this life?

But, in other news and on other arenas, I am moving tomorrow. This week has been one long hello and goodbye as friends come back to the city I am leaving. I trust, even though I don’t always trust well, that this will indeed be good.

Farewell, sweet city. So long, dear friends.

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