Posts Tagged ‘red nails’

I don’t know if I can think of something apropos to describe last week. It was so very long and thick, but somehow never felt like there were enough hours to just stop in. It was following several other similarly feeling weeks, filled to the brim, overstuffed. So, I felt like I was showing all my seams and needing to sleep an extra 16 hours a night, and mostly unable to hold on.

Weeks like last make me feel like I am not enough. They make me feel stuck and make me feel like the only possible solution is to drastically cut out every single thing that consumes any amount of time and start over. Fortunately, I don’t do things like that, because weeks like that happen, and maybe they happen too often.

While I dreamed of a new city and a new job (as though it would quiet my soul), I found that the most life-giving things I did last week were to make Thai turkey burgers and to paint my nails red.

What I wanted to do was one of two things – something dramatic – a huge leap, designed to immediately make a change. Or nothing. Go to bed immediately. Or watch more tv than what’s good for me. So the simple act of making myself dinner, of painting my nails, was my small step of rebellion.

I have a tendency to think in giant leaps. This month went by unusually fast? Well, then I’m practically aging a decade in my head. I’m moving forward in anxiety, sure that I have missed something, frantic about life passing me by. I think that things have to be done in huge steps, free-falling leaps. I too often think in a world of cold-turkey quits, roof-top declarations, and flash mob confessions. Thai turkey burgers and red painted nails teach me to think in small, quiet steps. That sometimes, the only way to change is a million inches forward, one inch at a time.

When I look back at my life, what I often see are not the big, defining moments – they are there, the one decision, one step life changers. But, more often what has changed me have been those small, scared, barely trusting, but I’m still moving steps. I forget, too often, the great faith it takes to move forward when you can’t see the end of that long winding road.

And so I will continue to feed myself well, paint my nails red, and trust in the work of small, scared, barely trusting, but I’m still moving, holy steps.


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